Do you remember it? The first time you thought you loved him (or her)? The first time you knew you loved them? It’s something I’ve been thinking about the past few days because all of a sudden I realize just how much I love the amazing man that I’m with.
I remember when I first met him; feeling giddy and wonderful, losing hours of sleep every night thinking about him. But I knew better than to call it love because I’d had my heart broken before. I was still raw and reeling from the pain; was this a distraction? Were these feelings really for this new boy or were they displaced feelings from the last boy? And what did I really know about this boy besides that he was incredibly attractive and had a cute accent and lived halfway across the globe? Doubt crept and retreated on my mind like waves lapping at sand.
To be honest I wasn’t sure I knew how to fall in love again. And I don’t mean in the dramatic I can never love again way (I’d already loved twice and had gone through the dramatic motions). I mean, with my first love back in high school it was instant. Love at first sight; the kind of love that I think one can only feel when they don’t know any better. I saw him in the hallway and time stood still; I felt like I had just seen an angel. After that I proceeded to dream about him, doodle about him and listen to my chorus of friends who told me it was never gonna happen between the new popular guy in grade ten and a quiet grade niner. We dated for 7 months; I loved him with every fiber of my being; he said “it’s not like we’re gonna get married or anything” and that was the end of that fairytale. I cried everyday for a year. Until I met boy number two.
He was in University while I was still a high schooler and we worked at a summer camp together. He was the first boy I’d been attracted to since boy number one. Although I was smitten from the beginning I wasn’t sure how I would know when I’d fallen in love. Sometimes I’d lay on his shoulder as he drove and say it in my mind and think “do I?” “do I love him?” Seven months in he broke up with me, and that’s when I realized it; that I had indeed loved him. Eventually we got back together and the sting of losing him made me really want to hang on that much tighter. I always wondered how I would have known that I loved him had he never broken up with me. There really is something to that whole “spark” thing in He’s Just Not That Into You.
Approximately a year or two later I met the man I am with now. I messaged him on an online dating site one day and we began chatting, which turned into daily skyping which turned into him flying halfway across the world to meet me after 3 months. I can definitely say there aren’t alot of people out there willing to do something like that; in fact, I thought I was the only one but it would seem I have met my match :). Again, I was totally smitten with him but how would I know when I loved him? Like really loved him? I remember talking to one of my best guy friends in a panic saying “Since it wasn’t an instant thing how will I know if love him if he doesn’t break up with me?” Those are the only two ways I knew how to fall in love before him. My friend assured me not to worry but I couldn’t help it. I worried, alot!
We spent two weeks together in Florida and while I liked where things were headed I wasn’t ready to say the big L word yet. He had already told me he loved me (in fact he drunkenly told me two weeks in). And we would go through phases where we’d say it but then I’d stop because I wasn’t sure, and I’d never been one to use those words lightly. I continued falling more and more for him and would spend longer periods of time thinking that I probably loved him before that doubt would creep in, until one day there just wasn’t doubt anymore. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when it happened; when thinking I loved him turned into knowing I loved him. I think it was the day we had that really long Skype chat and I felt like we got to know each-other on another level. That’s the day I began to know his heart, and the day that I realized that my heart loved his.
I feel like it’s a really good thing this new love in my life; it wasn’t borne out of beautifully naive gut feeling, or fear, but out of patience, security, happiness and learning about one another. I’m happier than I’ve ever been and I can honestly say without a doubt in my mind, that I am so, so in love.
I’m kind of a romantic and I have a bit of a fascination with love (it is one of those things that is so wonderfully perplexing) so I’d love to hear about the moment you fell in love. How did you know?