I haven’t written on here in a while (there hasn’t been a whole lot to write about lately). Josh and I are back to Skype dates until August time. We’re finding it hard to get to know each-other long distance so that poses some serious challenges. He says it doesn’t feel like he has a real girlfriend and he can’t do distance for more than another year. Lately I feel like I’ve let him in more and fallen more in love with him. For the past few weeks I’ve felt closer to him than ever but he’s feeling more distant than ever. Figures. Isn’t that always how relationships work?
I’m not too worried as I know there have been many times when he’s felt close to me and I’ve felt distant. Relationships are scary and falling for someone half a world away even more so. He says he doesn’t wanna be without me and that no ones ever treated him as good and he’d never find someone like me again. But I can tell he’s not feeling in love with me. I just don’t know how to feel about him coming here in August anymore. I don’t want it to feel like we’re strangers but he seems adamant on the idea that Skype, letters, messages, care packages ect,. just isn’t the same and we can only get to know each-other and build a connection face to face. It makes me feel like what’s the point of all this then if it doesn’t mean anything to him or bring him closer to me? You can’t go from feeling distant to feeling in love in two seconds when you see someone, so now it feels like this stranger/friend is coming to visit instead of the man I love and I don’t know how to act or feel about it.
I’ve started to shut my heart again because I don’t wanna be the one standing out on this limb alone. I went from feeling so in love and eagerly waiting for August to see and hold and kiss my man to wondering what’s the point… we’re back to square one. He says “give it time” but I’m frustrated. Things could have been different this time but not now that I’ve closed my heart again. I know if he were here right now instead of building our connection and just being in love (like I would have been if he came a week ago) I’d be keeping him at arm’s length because he’s acting like we don’t know each-other which makes me feel like maybe I don’t know him after all. And if I don’t know him then why is he here, and why are we doing this?
I feel very lucky to have him and very happy in life; I’ve never been happier or more content. I love my job, I love where I live, I love my friends and family, and as an added bonus I have a gorgeous, kind, wonderful boyfriend that I get to love (and who I thought loved me) but if all he wants is to focus on is what he doesn’t have I can’t fix that. And me living there won’t fix that either; it’s a matter of how you reflect on life, and happiness needs to come from within and from appreciating what you have. If you are going to focus on what you don’t have you will never be happy in life.
When I have a bad day and I Skype him I usually feel better. It makes me feel bad that when he’s having a bad day Skyping with me and talking to me doesn’t ever seem to make him feel any better, if he’s in a mood he’s in a mood and there’s nothing I can do. If I were right there beside him there is STILL nothing I could do. So I hope he isn’t expecting some magical change from Skype to real life because it won’t happen. If he can’t try and build something with me now it’s not going to magically happen when we are face to face. and this is going to make for very frustrating visits that fall so short of what they could be. I don’t want to start from scratch over and over; it’s been a year and at this point I know who he is, I know I love him and I know I want to be with him. I just wish he felt the same.