I haven’t written on here in a while (there hasn’t been a whole lot to write about lately). Josh and I are back to Skype dates until August time. We’re finding it hard to get to know each-other long distance so that poses some serious challenges. He says it doesn’t feel like he has a real girlfriend and he can’t do distance for more than another year. Lately I feel like I’ve let him in more and fallen more in love with him. For the past few weeks I’ve felt closer to him than ever but he’s feeling more distant than ever. Figures. Isn’t that always how relationships work?

I’m not too worried as I know there have been many times when he’s felt close to me and I’ve felt distant. Relationships are scary and falling for someone half a world away even more so.  He says he doesn’t wanna be without me and that no ones ever treated him as good and he’d never find someone like me again. But I can tell he’s not feeling in love with me. I just don’t know how to feel about him coming here in August anymore. I don’t want it to feel like we’re strangers but he seems adamant on the idea that Skype, letters, messages, care packages ect,. just isn’t the same and we can only get to know each-other and build a connection face to face. It makes me feel like what’s the point of all this then if it doesn’t mean anything to him or bring him closer to me? You can’t go from feeling distant to feeling in love in two seconds when you see someone, so now it feels like this stranger/friend is coming to visit instead of the man I love and I don’t know how to act or feel about it.

I’ve started to shut my heart again because I don’t wanna be the one standing out on this limb alone. I went from feeling so in love and eagerly waiting for August to see and hold and kiss my man to wondering what’s the point… we’re back to square one. He says “give it time” but I’m frustrated. Things could have been different this time but not now that I’ve closed my heart again.  I know if he were here right now instead of building our connection and just being in love (like I would have been if he came a week ago) I’d be keeping him at arm’s length because he’s acting like we don’t know each-other which makes me feel like maybe I don’t know him after all. And if I don’t know him then why is he here, and why are we doing this?

I feel very lucky to have him and very happy in life; I’ve never been happier or more content. I love my job, I love where I live, I love my friends and family, and as an added bonus I have a gorgeous, kind, wonderful boyfriend that I get to love (and who I thought loved me) but if all he wants is to focus on is what he doesn’t have I can’t fix that. And me living there won’t fix that either; it’s a matter of how you reflect on life, and happiness needs to come from within and from appreciating what you have. If you are going to focus on what you don’t have you will never be happy in life.

When I have a bad day and I Skype him I usually feel better. It makes me feel bad that when he’s having a bad day Skyping with me and talking to me doesn’t ever seem to make him feel any better, if he’s in a mood he’s in a mood and there’s nothing I can do. If I were right there beside him there is STILL nothing I could do. So I hope he isn’t expecting some magical change from Skype to real life because it won’t happen. If he can’t try and build something with me now it’s not going to magically happen when we are face to face. and this is going to make for very frustrating visits that fall so short of what they could be. I don’t want to start from scratch over and over; it’s been a year and at this point I know who he is, I know I love him and I know I want to be with him. I just wish he felt the same.


7 thoughts on “Confused

  1. Oh wow, I know exactly how you feel. I mean, every relationship is different but I’m in an LDR as well (2 years now) and my boyfriend sometimes gets down about the distance as well. I think men are just generally a) more focused on the physical part of the relationship (and I don’t just mean sex) and b) they’re just kinda wimpy lol 😛

    I’m like you: I think the important thing in life is to make the most of what we have at the moment which (unfortunately) for us is a long distance relationship. But he doesn’t get that way of thinking and has misinterpreted it in the past as me just not caring whether I get to see him or not and thinking it’s all the same to me. Which is obviously not the case, and you get what I’m saying.

    In any case, what it all comes down to is excellent communication between the two of you and working through these issues together, not alone.

    I’m not trying to butt into your relationship but I thought sharing my personal experience on this might at least make you feel a bit better that you’re not alone in this. And my boyfriend and I have worked through those bumps, so I’m sure anyone can. It’s just about finding what works.

    All the best!

    1. Thanks so much for your encouragement it means a lot 🙂 I’m sure him and I will work through it, and I totally agree about men being more physical. I can feel really close from a Skype conversation or a letter or even just gushing to my friends about him. Sure I’d love to have him here but all the little things add up.

      He’s a wonderful boyfriend and we try and communicate as much as possible; sometimes we tend to hear something different than what they mean. ie; he says “this sucks. I hate this [distance]” I hear “I hate our relationship and I’m unhappy.” But, we will figure it all out I’m sure.

      Best of luck to you and your man! Thanks for leaving your thoughts 🙂

  2. I’m sorry you’re going through this hun, my boyfriend and I have gone through the same thing. And i think it will always be there in a LDR. I mean until you set a date as to when you’ll live with each other (you know seeing the light at the end of the tunnel), there will always be a little of a “down” feeling about not being able to hug or kiss the person you love. It doesn’t mean they love you any less.
    And the mood thing, my boyfriend gets into moods all the time! And i leave him to it. I tell him i love him and im here for him and then I let him go play x-box or go beat up his punching bag. And then a few hours later or a few days later he will come back to me. And when he wants to talk, he’ll talk. Some guys are just (annoyingly) a little closed off about their feelings. Especially if they’ve had a difficult past.

    Its frustrating and annoying and sometimes it hurts.

    But he should try. Even if he doesn’t believe it will help build a connection he should try to help build one for your sake. You are right, there wont be a instant connection (or the way he’s imagining it) when he visits but people fall in and out of love all the time.
    Theres a difference between loving someone and being IN love with them. Sometimes distance makes it hard to remember that you’re IN love with them because you have to go months and months and months without a physical reassurance. But you never stop loving them.

    I hope you guys can work through this 🙂 I think we all have been there … and I wish you the best of luck. It sounds like you guys have an amazing relationship, one worth fighting for.

    1. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. It definitely can be hard sometimes to remember you’re in love when you don’t see each other for months. I know I’ve gone through patches where I felt like that but I guess when I’m feeling really close I want him to be feeling the same :p

      He got my anniversary care package in the mail the other day and opened it over Skype and he sent me the sweetest message that night. He said it reminded him how special I am to him and all the positives in our relationship and that he couldn’t see himself without me and that he’s a lucky guy. I think he’s feeling close again and I’m really excited about August again 😀

      Thanks again for your thoughts and encouragement. We do have an amazing relationship, but it has it’s challenges like any other one :p I feel so lucky to have him though, he really is the most wonderful guy.

      Best wishes to you and your man!

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