The Challenges of Closing the Distance are Starting…

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Oh boy. My man and I had an emotional Skype yesterday and this morning as we are starting to make plans for closing the distance in April. Last May he said he couldn’t do distance for more than another year; as he can’t leave his line of work for another 2 years I said I would move there even though at the time I felt far from ready. But I didn’t want to lose him and wanted to give this relationship a proper chance.

After our last visit in August we’ve grown so much closer and in love and I feel ready to move this coming April. I have no reservations about us and we both feel very confident in our relationship. Two months ago he bought a cute little house which he said he hoped I would move into, with him. And so I’ve been picturing a nice little life getting to see my man everyday, and even though I know it will be ridiculously hard leaving all my friends and family, with him there for me I knew we’d get through it together.

Of course it could not be that easy!

My man’s plan was to rent the house for 6 months until I get there, when we would move in. However the tenants interested (not surprisingly) are not interested in a six month lease so he said he would likely rent it to them for a year. I knew that this would probably happen so in my mind I thought maybe we could rent a room together from someone in his family until I get on my feet and until their lease is up. But I have been stressing about where I’m going to live on top of where I will be able to find work, whether I will be able to get into teacher’s college and HOW I will pay the $20,000 tuition and not just be a huge burden.

He’s proposed that instead of renting his house to the interested couple, he could rent it to one of his friends for less, and I could live there with his friend and he would live with us on the weekends. This takes the stress out of finding a place to live, BUT the biggest thing upsetting me right now however is that I will only get to see my man on the weekends, and maybe not even every weekend as sometimes he’s away with work. His work is 2 hours away from where his house is and he couldn’t afford the gas. This whole time he’s been thinking he’ll see me on the weekends while I’ve been thinking we would actually be living together.

All I can think about is how lonely and miserable I will be 4-5 days every week; with no friends, no family, nothing familiar and not even my man there to keep me company and help me through. Our other options would be for him to rent his house and for us to rent a cheap room from someone near his work. This option isn’t ideal but I guess I’m frustrated that he won’t even consider it. I feel like all the sacrifices are on me. I don’t feel like he understands how hard this will be on me or how much I’m giving up. His life will be the exact same only when he comes home on the weekends I’ll be there; my entire life (which I happen to really like) will be completely altered; my whole support system will be gone only to be replaced by seeing my man 2-3 days out of the week. It doesn’t feel like enough.

He says that all the guys at work only get to see their girlfriends on weekends but he can’t compare me to them. Their girlfriends live there, they have friends and family and are settled so they can cope with seeing their boyfriends less just like I can cope with only seeing my man once every few months because I have amazing family and friends here. Sure it sucks not being able to see him more often but I am happy in life; I feel happy and lucky everyday for everything that I have, including him. If we really were “closing the distance” I would still be looking forward to this move, challenges and all. But this doesn’t feel like closing the distance to me. It feels like trading in a life with a bit of lonely for a life with a lot of lonely. The distance is getting harder and harder however and we want to start building a life together. Unfortunately my ideas of building a life together won’t happen until he is out of his line of work or unless he considers us living together closer to where he works.

Any advice?

 

3 thoughts on “The Challenges of Closing the Distance are Starting…

  1. Wow! It seems like at this point it shouldn’t be getting more difficult. I am so sorry. I completely understand where you’re coming from though! During one of Michael’s most previous visits we were discussing closing the distance, and I just broke down in a sob because I don’t feel as though he realizes what I will be sacrificing when I move. I will be leaving my entire family and friends, and the only home I’ve ever known. Granted, when he moved he left his sisters and extended family, but his parents moved with him so he still had them there. The thought of leaving my parents scares me to death, and the fact that he doesn’t understand that kills me.

    As you know, we still have no closed the distance, but I do understand your feelings on the whole situation. May I suggest a “trial” period for you? Maybe you could go live over there for a month or two, in the circumstances you would be in if you moved permanently. I feel as though you won’t truly know how you feel about only seeing him on weekends until you experience it. Maybe you will be able to make some friends during this trial period and they will make the transition easier for you. This is just an idea that popped in my head. Here for you always!

    1. I know, how can it get more difficult? I thought the same thing. I still don’t feel like Josh totally understands the sacrifice I’m making… I don’t think he could understand unless he moved here and realized just how much you miss home when you’re in a new place. I also think girl’s just think more deeply about these things are we’re probably more sensitive; guys are brought up to be more independent but I’ve always been really sheltered by my family. I’m very close with my parents; currently I’m back living with my dad and I love it. We get along great. When I lived away from home for Uni I was so lonely and sad even though I lived with 9 other girls. My parents would visit like 2-3 times a week, which helped. I could call mom crying in the middle of the night cause I thought I failed an exam or my boyfriend dumped me again and she’d be there within the hour.

      So it’s super scary moving. BUT we’ve come to a compromise that we’re both happy with. He’s going to come home on weekends and at least one night through the week for a date night. It’ll break up the week and give me something to look forward to. I’ve even talked him into taking dance classes for our date night😉. He’s also talked with all of his family and they’ve all told me I’m welcome at theirs anytime, and one of his friends says she will come visit me :p. I think this is probably the best thing and it’s only for a couple of years until he’s finished with this job.

      Thanks so much for your kind words Rachel🙂 Here for you too!

  2. Reblogged this on thehappyhope and commented:
    I have some of this worries, too. Not in terms of leaving home, since I already left home, even if “closing the distance” means an additional 10000km to home. But this opens my eyes to the very real possibility of having different expectations. Fear of loneliness is definitely real. If I leave Singapore, I will have to rebuild my life from scratch. All the things I know for the last 8+ years will be gone. And what if Faith does not want to see me as much as I want to see him? What if I finally get culture shock, or language shock? There are sacrifices to be made, but this move is also something I truly wanted, maybe even if I don’t consider the relationship. I’m just being triggered to finally take action and do it.

    Expectations. We jumped into this LDR having discussed some expectations with regard to skype and messages frequency, and implied monogamy. Things are working out great, and I believe that it’s partly owing to having set our expectations clearly. I guess before we close the distance, a second working out of our expectations have to be done.

    I should think about what I want as well. I’m not quite sure yet. I do want to see him every weekend, and an occasional weekday date night sounds nice, if we end up in the same town. But. It might be healthy for both of us to have our own lives, too. I just hope I can reconstruct a life for me there.

    Love,
    Hope

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